Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.

My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.

They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being
held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a
part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

Read more...

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

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Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

Read more...